Bottom line……I CHOOSE

Generally speaking one would look at my life now and make the judgment that I’ve got it really really good.

Which I do.

I have taken a shot at loving again, committed to a man.  I have my children back and for some weird reason they forgive and adore me.  I have good employment that is sensitive to my personal life.  I am surrounded by a multitude of good friends.  I appear to be “physically healed”, hair having grown back thick and a healthy weight attained. 

So why then when I’m driving down a main street in traffic do I suddenly have to pull over in the median because I have completely forgot where I am?  I am overcome with absolute panic, heart palpitations and sudden loss of direction.  Or when a certain ‘techno’ song comes on I have to hold onto something because I feel like I’m going to pass out.  Why do I have night flashback terrors that are so bad I wake up from that I still feel are real?  I wipe my face in the dark thinking I have blood all over my face again, my head is pounding, I find something moist on my face….thinking its blood but turn on a light and find it’s only tears.  Why when I watch a movie that has needles in it do I feel an urge to cover my body?  Hugging it.   Why when I see pornography do I picture myself in a mirror….cutting myself? 

These are all “Why?” questions I’ve asked myself since getting clean.  Those who are familiar with substance abuse or trauma are familiar with the term of “flashbacks”, “cravings”, or “using dreams”.  And your personal experience might be something different.  But I know for a fact that everyone can relate.  It may not be sticking a needle in your arm and may be something that YOU deem as less harmful, but I’ve learned over the years…..just because I have some more OBVIOUS examples does not make our emotions that we experience in the moment any less intense, confusing, infuriating or painful. 

So what can WE do?

What happens when our significant other does something to remind us of a past relationship?  Or even worse, a past trial between the two of you….and suddenly a wound you thought had healed is ripped open.  Exposed.  With salt air blairing in on it. 

The past……

Ugh……

Doctors and Therapists say I have what’s called Clinically Severe PTSD.  Whatever that means…..I’m still learning to really understand what PTSD is.  All I know is I feel like at times that my past haunts me.  And somedays the positivity, the quotes, the readings….are just not enough.  I’m haunted.  Whether it be in the form of guilt, anger, rage, fear, ….I’m haunted.  I’ve also learned that I’m no different.  We ALL carry the past around with us.  We all dwell on things that are unhealthy.  We all torture ourselves in our little ways, whether it be looking at something over and over just to make ourselves more pissed off, or antagonizing a partner.

So….is there any hope?

…..now is where I should probably insert some ‘feel good’ quote or some reference to a higher power.  And please don’t take offense that neither of those are my instant answer.

You MUST learn to take your power back.  And if YOU taking back your power is through your Higher Power, it is important that you validate YOU are nurturing that relationship.  YOU are taking your power back.  You also must learn the art of defense.  There is a big difference between the art of defense and the malicious act of attacking.  Do no attack your past.  It will ALWAYS ALWAYS win.  Attacking your past looks like a family member opening a raw wound and you pouncing, or getting uncalled for defensive.  Bringing up things that don’t even pertain to the subject.  Come on….we all do it.  And you may be able to relate with a different dynamic in your life, significant other, children, friends etc.  But it’s all the same.   Just talking about it makes me picture a child throwing a temper tantrum and in the process ruining their favorite toy………………left with the thought of ”awe….shit.”

We didn’t come into this world distrusting.  Fact is, we’ve all had a past and resentments that haunt us since we were 3 and first had a toy taken from us.  (Mine happens to be those pink and white sprinkled animal crackers)…….and believe it……every time I have one of those today I take pride in providing an obnoxious amount to share so that I can have as much as I want.  Something so simple…..but yet it carries that memory with us. 

You’re not any different.  You’re not “extra” angry.  You’re not experiencing an emotion that anyone else hasn’t at one time or another in their life. Stop trying to convince yourself you’re any different.  You are valid in your emotion, that’s enough.  Again, just because I have an example of my face bloodied, does not mean that the emotion is not just as absolutely real as it is when you are faced with the realization that a loved one, someone you trusted just hit you in face.  Literally, or figuratively speaking. 

So…..the real question:

Are we going to walk around thinking that everyone is going to hit us in the face?

…………..Sounds awfully lonely and angry.

I don’t have the answers of how to make it all better.  I really don’t.  I could try and walk you through all of the “steps” I go through on particularly hard days, but it all amounts to this.

I CHOOSE TO BREATHE.  I CHOOSE TO LAUGH.  I CHOOSE TO VALIDATE MY PAIN.  I CHOOSE TO VALIDATE MY FEARS.  I CHOOSE TO VALIDATE WHAT I HAVE DONE.  I CHOOSE TO VALIDATE WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME.  I CHOOSE TO FACE WHAT I’M SCARED OF.  I CHOOSE TO SEE MYSELF NAKED.  I CHOOSE TO BE HERE.  I CHOOSE TO BE PRESENT.

IT ISN’T OUT OF MY CONTROL.  NOT EVER.

I CHOOSE.